Day 102

Penn Station.

Have you ever made a deal with God?
Dear God, if you just let me pass this exam, I will never skip class again.
Dear God, if you help my tax return come in the mail today, I will never use my
shampoo as a deduction again.
Something like that.

Or maybe you just make promises to yourself.
Do you stick with them?

True Story (may help explain some of my eccentricities):

A little more than a week into my hospitalization (a Thursday) I was having a bad day. I was in some serious pain and things weren't really looking good. I could tell. I played dumb in the hospital a lot but I always knew what was going on. The doctors were spending long times in the hall after seeing me. The nurses seemed to come by more often. My body started to have severe reactions to the chemotherapy.

So I began to worry.
Really worry.

I tried never to let on (the first 30 days I was the strongest) but I was started to have bouts of panic when I wondered whether or not I would make it out of there.

We prayed a lot.
And kept praying and kept praying.
Still do.

So this day...late evening I suppose, it was after dinner and someone had come to visit and everyone went to the lounge to talk and let me rest.

But I couldn't rest. I started to ache, and hurt, and really start to flip out.
I kept saying, God, please let me get better. Don't let me die like this.
Over and over.

And then (this is where eyes might roll, but I'll stick to it until the end) I had this vision or visit or...something. A woman was in my room. Dressed in white. She stood next to my bed and put her hand on my forehead. She asked me what i wanted and all I could think to say was that I wanted to get better. She told me I would. I responded that if I were to get better I would never waste another minute and would fill each day to the brink. She said she looked forward to watching that. Then I must have nodded off I suppose.

The next thing I remember I was surrounded by family and there was something inside of me saying I was going to be fine, eventually.

It took me a little time but I really do try and stick with my oath that each day will be filled (even to the annoyance of my more relaxed loved ones).

Sometimes those promises we make, even to ourselves, are worth persistance.