Day 7

Don't You Love Farce?
My fault I fear.
I thought that you'd want what I want.
Sorry, my dear

Listening to Send In The Clowns tonight during the show made me wonder...what IS the song about? What do others think it is? Is theirs the same as my interpretation? Has my interpretation changed in the past few years?

Which then led me to realize just how brilliant Sondheim's lyrics are that they can evoke that much thought from me...
So I am curious, what does Send In The Clowns say to you?

Send me your thoughts and I may actually do some research on the subject...but maybe not. It might just be more fun to never know if Stephen Sondheim and I are on the same wavelength!

But where are the clowns?
There ought to be clowns.
Well, maybe next year.

Day 6

Hidden Treasures.
I suppose there is an old saying or four about not appreciating things untl they are gone...or not recognizing the beauty in the things you see every day. I don't know the exact wordage but this is my take for tonight.
Eating dinner tonight with a great friend, we were placed at a table facing the ocean. My friend looks out and stares at the ocean and says how every time she looks out on the horizon above the Atlantic Ocean (taking some creative liscense Toni beacuse I can't remember exact words) the world seems filled with infinate possibilities. (of course this came right out of my wondering how many people in the boats on the ocean were having sex at that very moment - clearly different wavelengths!) But, she made me think. Here is someone who has looked at that ocean thousands upon thousands of times and somehow I really do believe she can appreciate the vastness of our world each and every time. There are people like her who can just do that, find beauty, meaning and ...the rest of us can work at it I suppose.
So tonight I am displaying pictures of a great sculpture at the CAC in VA VBH where I have been for the past two weeks working on the show...I never really sat down and appreciated the art. Tonight I Sat directly under it and stared.
A start.

Day 5

I doubt it Cliff.
Tonight something happened to me I never thought I would live to see. I became my brother Dan. I became a critical monster of a piece of theatre. Right there before I could escape. Before I could stop myself. Granted, the show in question ("Cabaret" at the Governor School for the Arts - a performing arts High School I have championed) was not near what I have grown to expect from this kind of a program and is a show I have seen and been involved in too many times not to have an opinion.
What were they thinking to pick this show? There are so many better shows for that group of talented kids. And if "Cabaret" then why shy away from 'doing' "Cabaret"? Was the director so nervous about audience reaction that he eliminated any point of view of the piece? The show is so brave and bold and daring, and when you lose that, the show bottoms out.
I found myself not applauding. Not applauding kids I have seen grow up from freshman to seniors, developing into some of the most talented performers around. Kids who were working their butts off on that stage. Not because they weren't wonderful but because I didn't understand what they were being told to do throughout the work.
So Daniel Richard Marshall, if you are ever reading this, please know that your viscious assualts and sharp-eyed critques on many a broadway musical near and dear to my heart may have finally rubbed off.
(I just wish it had waited until AFTER I left the lobby!)

p.s. on a completely minorly-related not: This is the first time I have felt what it must be like to be a teacher or uncle or even a father in a way...to see "kids" who are no longer "kids" and felt somewhat responsible for some of their habits, talent and discipline. somewhat!

Day 4

Our Bodies.
Do they really speak to us as the experts say?
If so, then what are they trying to tell us?
I have been contemplating that all evening as I have been feeling out new aches and issues with the one I am living in.
Knees hurt, wore out...same as yesterday, same tomorrow...too tired to....
If that strikes a bell...well, then you are a bigger theatre geek than i thought.
Seriously though, as I achingly lift these legs up the stairs this evening and (among other issues) deal with my stiff back, I wonder if this body is telling me something, or if i am just getting old and fat.
Or a combination of all three.
If I listen close enough this body says ...time for bed.

Day 3

Threats.
Threats are annoying and do no one any good...really.
Say, I threaten to shoot myself (don't worry, not an option - i'm a bad aim) because you don't love me...either you lie and say you do love me and you live with misery or you tell me you don't and i die, leaving you with misery and a heck of a lot of guilt.
Not sure where I was going with this but lets just say...don't threaten me or my peeps...cause you will end up miserable! or we'll end up shot...how did we get the gun in the first place?
So if there are those out there who pretend to be hurt and think threatening others will make you feel better...just let go.
simple requests often work much better...breathe first, then react.
And say a prayer to St. John of Egypt - the patron saint of discipline. not THAT kind of discipline pierre, the kind like...I WILL work out today instead of eating two bags of pretzels, or i WILL not get my taxes done before April 15th.
Thats a wrap.

Day 2

The day formerly known as Today will now only be known to those witnesses as the Day of Stress.
Beginning with a bitchy actor, continuing into a potential cancelling of Seussical (hopefully Pierre talked us out of that mess) and ending with my phone getting wet and not working...ah yes, and taxes.
Did i forget to mention that today was the big Toni-moving-her-life-into-a-pod day? added stress. and loads of physical work. loads.
Those who might wonder how my phone got wet...well, in the shower trying to clean the grime off my sweaty torso and someone called (he shall remain nameless - unless the phone doesn't work after it dries and then he's to blame of course) and i jump out and answer. still soaking wet. still soapy. get the phone completely slogged and then jump back in and finish the shower. an hour later after some terrible chicken and cashews from china 1, i grab the phone - of course i closed it after using it in my shower daze, letting all the water from my face and hair soak in and fry the phone stuff...smart. real smart.
But I am optimistic. I sucked the water out with a vaccuum cleaner and used mark's hair blow dryer...does anyone still use a hair blow dryer?
I'll drink to that.
And one for Mahler.
So, it comes to pass that in the next few days I am determined to get my taxes done and get my finances in order and move past the stress of the day formerly known as today.
Thats a start. well, not hitting snooze 6 times is a start, but little things every day.

DAY 1

Here it is:
I had cancer.
I don't anymore.
I am close to 30.
I feel unimportant in my job.
I want to be a dad but I still want to be young enough to be a kid.
The love of my life is addicted to internet porn.
I am not far behind.
I'm confused about where to go next in this life.
Not uhappy...just confused.
Who am I?
And for the next 364 days (yes, Amamnda I am stealing your idea) I am going to try and find that very thing out...in words and pictures.